How to Invest in Uganda: (From Petero to Patel)

The following is a quick-guide and handy ''pocketbook'' on successful business investment in the East African nation of Uganda, but would in large measure apply to greater Sub-Saharan or Black Africa.

The interviewee is a strange hybrid of human being - beet red in some sections, coal black in others, and peach yellow most of the way.

His name is Singh Patel (SP), and he claims to be a native of the Indian province of Bombay.

Those who know him better, allege that his real identity is of a one Singatwamanya Petero, born of Mawokota county in the Ugandan district of Masaka.

To pin down this elusive local tycoon, venture capitalist and widely famed ‘‘foreign investor’’ - who owns a chain of condom-distribution shops, tampon-making factories and underwear-design workshops – Tales of an African Son (ToAS) caught up with him for an up-close chat;

ToAS: Hello, Mr. Patel.

SP: Hello, my friend. You are fine? (Smiles obsequiously and wobbles head in typical Indian fashion.)

ToAS: Sure. By the way, can I call you Petero?

SP: Petero is my former name. Now – I am Patel Singh. I changed name in court.

ToAs: So it is true what they say? That you were born Petero Singatwamanya ...

SP: Yes and no.

ToAS: Why yes?

SP: Because I was actually born a black Ugandan. In Masaka, where my parents still live.

ToAS: And why no?

SP: Because I renounced my blackness.

ToAS: You renounced your blackness?

SP: Yes. I also disowned my parents.

ToAS: You disowned your OWN parents?

SP: Yes. They came crying to me the other day saying, ‘‘Help us, our son Singatwamanya!’’ And I told them I was now called Singh! If they needed my help, they had to stop calling me by a name I no longer recognized.

ToAS: So you chased them away?

SP: No. But I refused to help them.

ToAS: Which is the same as chasing them away ...

SP: No, it is not the same. Chase and refuse are spelled differently. Didn’t you study P.1?

ToAS: As a matter of fact, I went to a church school. Kindergarten to P.3 classes, studied together. 

SP: You see. That's the problem with you Africans; your institutions are full of shortcuts and fabrication!

ToAS: We Africans! I thought you were one of us until lately ...

SP: Eh, you man. Don't say such things too loudly. The wrong ears may hear and cause my Class-A investor's licence to get revoked for not being a ''True Indian'' ...

ToAS: Okay. Mr. Patel – can you tell us how you changed your identity?

SP: Identity is a complex and composite issue. My name or my skin?

ToAS: Tell us about your name first?

SP: I just got my birth certificate, and used it to wipe my backside in the toilet.

ToAS: You used your birth certificate to touch a leopard's behind?

SP: Which leopard?

ToAS: I mean - you used it as toilet paper?

SP: Yes. That’s what I told the judge in court when I went to change my name.

ToAS: And he didn’t complain?

SP: No. He said I deserved a name-change if that’s how low I thought of my original name.

ToAS: And how about your skin? How did you change it?

SP: Well, that was a more ‘‘daunting’’ task.

ToAS: Daunting?

SP: But you black man, where did you study from? Daunting means very challenging. No wonder I even can't employ you in my factory as a chimney sweep. This is why I have to bring my cousins from Bombay to sweep the compound.

ToAS: So how is an elevated knowledge of English related to sweeping compounds?

SP: I need competent workers in my factory.

ToAS: Sweeping compounds requires a competence in literature?

SP: It is simply called multi-tasking. A sweeper also needs communication skills. If I dropped an important note in the compound and you can't read it, you may throw it in the bin instead of handing it to me.

ToAS: So Singh, how exactly did you change your skin from black to rainbow?

SP: But you man. Rainbow is not a color. Are you trying to say I’m a rainbow?

ToAS: No. Okay you are a peacock.

SP: That is even worse. Why are you insulting me?

ToAS: But your skin is now a combination of shades.

SP: I know that. It means I am multi-cultural, multi-racial and multi-national.

ToAS: That is why you bleached yourself?

SP: Who told you I bleached?

ToAS: That is what African women who want to become Europeans do.

SP: I am not an African woman.

ToAS: Fine. But how did you change your skin to become an ‘‘Indian’’?

SP: I bought an oven.

ToAS: You bought an oven?

SP: Yes. From Nakumatt.

ToAS: And what did you use it for?

SP: I slept in it.

ToAS: You spent a night in an oven?

SP: Yes. With the temperature at about 43.5°C.

ToAS: So you baked yourself.

SP: Don’t be funny. Am I bread?

ToAS: But how come you came out as a mixture of colors? Not a uniform complexion?

SP: The oven was faulty.

ToAS: Or maybe you were expired?

SP: Stupid!

ToAS: Singh, are you calling me stupid?

SP: I didn’t say you are stupid. I said, ‘‘Stupid.’’ Big difference.

ToAS: So Petero … Sorry, Mr. Patel – why did you do it?

SP: Do what?

ToAS: Why did you change your identity?

SP: Because I wanted to be a successful investor in Uganda.

ToAS: You couldn’t be an investor in Uganda while remaining black?

SP: Yes I could. But not a successful one.

ToAS: So to be successful in Ugandan business, you need to be Indian?

SP: Or Chinese. Or Arab. Or Martian. But not black.

ToAS: But Singh, aren’t there some black Indians?

SP: Those are not really black. They just don’t bathe.

ToAS: They don’t bathe?

SP: Yes. And they wear their shadows on top of their skin.

ToAS: Eh!

SP: Yes.

ToAS: Singh, tell us how being Indian makes you a successful investor in Uganda …

SP: You don’t need capital.

ToAS: Singh, are you mad? How can one invest without capital?

SP: In Uganda you can. You don’t need capital. All you need is commission.

ToAS: Whose commission?

SP: Commission for the Minister, President and Tax-Officer.

ToAS: Commission for what?

SP: For ‘‘allowing’’ you to invest.

ToAS: And then after giving them commission …

SP: They give you a tax holiday, subsidize your factory, give you free land, allow you to underpay workers, displace locals from their land etc. etc. Basically, many good things.

ToAS: The government allows you to displace locals from their land?

SP: Yes. You displace them into slums and shanties, like Kamwokya. Then you rehire them as cheap labor, since they then become desperate.

ToAS: Is this one of the good things?

SP: Of course. It's good for business.

ToAS: Is this how all Indians in Uganda grow rich overnight?

SP: Not all. But the majority.

ToAS: A majority of about how much?

SP: About 97.45%.

ToAS: Point four-five? Singh, aren’t you lying? Are you a trained statistician?

SP: No. I am an experienced commonsense-ician.

ToAS: So that means you are guessing?

SP: Indians don’t guess.

ToAS: No even ‘‘rainbow Indians’’ like you?

SP: Stupid.

ToAS: So that means that the remaining 2.55% make their money honestly?

SP: Who said anything about honesty…?

ToAS: So what makes these ones different from the majority?

SP: They don’t displace people from their land.

ToAS: If they don’t displace people, then what do they displace?

SP: They displace trees from forests. And water from wetlands.

ToAS: Trees?

SP: Don’t you remember that my adopted-father, Mehta, bought Mabira forest in 2007?

ToAS: But how can native government officials allow foreign ''investors'' to treat their own people that way?

SP: Who says African government officials are natives?

ToAS: But they are black like us. For example, our President is black?

SP: Stupid. The man is a black Indian. I know people who grew up with him in Bombay.

ToAS: Eh! So he doesn't bathe!?

SP: Those are not my words ...

ToAS: So after condoms, sanitary pads and women’s underwear. What new business are you going into this 2016, Mr. Patel?

SP: Importing ovens.

*Despite a sharp rise in local demand for ovens, Singh Patel cannot be reached on Twitter and Facebook. He has refused to succumb to public pressure, and does all his business face-to-face, the traditional, tried-and-tested ‘‘Indian way’’.